High school graduation season is among us, and with that achievement comes baskets of advice for the inbound college freshmen. Now I may still be trying to Survive 25, but I was once a youthful college freshman. I was bounding around my sunny campus with such naiveté and so much gullibility… it was disgusting. Never in my life could I have imagined the priceless life lessons I would learn. So here I am to lend a helping hand per my dramatic experiences and send those baby freshmen on their way fully prepared for anything!
1. Meet you teachers… but not necessarily on the first day. My very first class in college was ‘Weather & Climate‘, obviously a general education class, and it was 3 days a week at 8am…. ha ha ha, don’t ever sign up for 8am classes. But It was my first day so I was pumped. I had my bag packed, my outfit all laid out, and I was ready to ace college. I stroll up about 15 minutes early, naturally, and go to the building I had scoped out the night before (I like to be ahead of the game, ok?). There was hardly anyone else in the place and it was a HUMONGOUS LECTURE hall. Like 500 students were in this class. It was an auditorium. Whatever, it’s college, I knew there were big classes, I’m cool. So I pick a seat in the middle and wait. (NOTE: this was before the iPhone even came out at all so I just sat there staring, or maybe I played snake on my
Nokia, who knows). More students file in and finally class begins. All first day classes are pretty much a run-through of the semester curriculum and the professors just read over the syllabus. But I am prepared for excessive note taking and to be fully attentive. Then my male professor rolls up, sporting some acid-washed jeans and a stringy pony tail. He immediately starts plowing through the expectations of the class and when exams are and then that’s it. Boom, first class done. But I feel as though I should try and stand out in a class this size (BIG MISTAKE) so as everyone is hightailing it outta there, I swim upstream to the stage (he had to be on a stage, as I said, it was an auditorium). There were a couple of athletes explaining their travel weeks that were during scheduled exam days, and what not, so I waited patiently. Then I finally got the chance to introduce myself to Professor so-and-so and I boldly say” Hi I’m Lauren, I’m really looking forward to this class, seems like it will be really interesting!” to which he replies dryly “Yeah, so?” Me: Okay… bye. I was mortified. He didn’t give a CRAP who I was or if I cared about his course. And you know what? I hardly ever got up in time for that stupid class and I got a B no problem, so I never had to talk to him again! With some teachers it is imperative to get to know them, but others are just there for the paycheck. Wait it out and see if it’s absolutely necessary, or if you really need extra credit. Otherwise just leave it be.
2. Don’t assume your roommate will be your new best friend. For some reason I imagined my dorm roommate to be into all the things I was and would want to go to church with me, and ride our Razor scooters to the Student Union to get fro yo, and we would share clothes… not even close. First she was Jewish, so church was out of the question. Second, she was more interested in getting high than scootering (much to my dismay). And thirdly, we did share clothes but that was because she thought she lucked out in the laundry room and found a cute shirt… it was mine all along! Also, she kept a rock of cocaine in a pink lock-box in our room. Yep, that happened. I had never 1.) seen cocaine in person 2.) known it came in rock form and 3.) been prepared for what to do about this kind of dilemma! So I just told her she couldn’t keep it in our room because there was no way to prove it wasn’t mine and thankfully she obliged. I mean, I think she did?
3. Your roommate will not always be sensitive of your belongings. Back to the statement where my roommate wanted to get high instead of scooter… well that happened frequently. So much in fact she would eat my food… all. the. time. BUT she was also very body conscious and worked out consistently so if my junk food (which I could finally have because I had to buy my own darn food) was tempting her, she would throw it away! Seriously. I came back to the room from class, saw my NEW package of Oreos (just one sleeve that cost triple the price) in the trash can. So I merely asked “Hey, why is my food in the trash?” Her reply, without batting an eye, ” I didn’t want to eat them so I threw them away.” So I screamed “WHY DON’T YOU NOT EAT THEM BECAUSE THEY AREN’T YOURS!” And I stormed out of the room. Only to come back home after I cooled down to a newly wrapped present, the contents: Oreos. That’s right, don’t eat my shiz.
4. The Visine prank is VERY BAD & possibly fatal… I can’t believe I am publicly writing this but it is so important for everyone to know, so I must. Back to how my roommate would eat all my food… I had recently seen Wedding Crashers and in the movie one of the characters gets really sick because someone drops some Visine (eye drops) into his drink. Symptoms were just puking and the runs, no big deal, so I thought *Here’s a Capital Idea* : I will put a few drops in my leftover ice cream, my roommate will of course eat it without permission, get sick, and not want to eat my food again. Flawless plan! Except for one thing: INGESTING VISINE CAN BE DEADLY. But clueless me drips some Visine into the container and then I impatiently waited. Later my roommate had taken the ice cream (of course) and shared it with some other girls, so they were all going to be screwed. As I’m waiting for the consequences to, quite literally, erupt, my partner in crime (it wasn’t 100% my idea), starts Google-ing the effects of ingesting Visine for the heck of it and finds horrible, HORRIBLE, results. Results where one of the main ingredients, if too much is ingested, can be fatal. AW CRAP. We look at the Visine bottle we bought specifically for this ‘prank’ and guess what… it has the chemical. Freak out mode beings and we slam our ears against the wall which is shared with the girls’ room and listen so hard. We don’t hear anything suspicious and it’s probably been about an hour since the whole prank started. I send my partner over to go get the ice cream, he returns with an empty container… they had eaten all of it. By this point I am genuinely so paranoid of what could potentially happen so I run back to my room just to try and calm down. I am running through my options when I realized… we used my roommate’s Visine instead. We didn’t have time to go get the one we bought from my partner’s room so I grabbed my roommate’s own Visine for the prank. I quickly checked the label on the bottle… and miraculously there was NO CHEMICAL. This one little bottle did NOT have the chemical in its ingredients and so the girls basically just ate salty water covered ice cream. Hallelujah, God was lookin’ out. Moral: Heavily research pranks BEFORE you try to go through with them, for the love of God, please!
5. Decline any comments to the University Paper I don’t know what it is (
other than wanting to be the center of attention) but if someone asks me for a picture or comment for any sort of publication, without hesitation I blurt out YES. Well within the first month of school, probably the first couple of weeks, I was sunbathing at the rec pool with some other girls and this ‘reporter’ is taking pictures around the deck. He asks if he could take ours for a segment in the paper. Obviously we agree and then I say “Only if you put us on the front page!” Next week rolls around… Front page: me with some stank face on at the pool, headline: “Skin Cancer Precautions”. Just avoid the commentary… For your future sake.
6. Figure out the person you want to be when it’s all over, and try to stick to it. No story for this one other than I wish I would have established who I thought were good influences around me and stuck with them. College is an awesome time but it’s usually just you out there and don’t forget to look out for yourself!
Do YOU have any advice for these future students? Or hilarious life lesson you learned whilst completely college? Tack ’em in the comments section and tell us all about them!